Sometimes situations arise in the workplace where it is necessary to raise a difficult issue or concern. Whether it's a misunderstanding, a conflict or a grievance in the workplace, it's important to be able to handle situations constructively. In this article, I share practical advice and tips on how you can how to prepare for and start a difficult conversation in the workplace. The article is based on research and general sources, as well as on my long experience both as a manager and as a developer of a workplace community.

You should also check out my second article, where I go through tips for dealing with a difficult issue after you have raised it.

 

1. Why are difficult conversations important?

Talking about difficult issues in the workplace is key to a well-functioning workplace. By daring to talk openly about difficult topics, you can prevent misunderstandings, improve teamwork, increase wellbeing and build trust.

Correcting misconceptions

Misconceptions are bound to arise. Open discussion helps to clarify ambiguous situations and create a common understanding of issues and different perspectives. Schwartz stresses that effective communication prevents conflicts and keeps the working atmosphere good.

• • Clarity and understanding: Open discussion brings clarity and ensures that all parties understand each other correctly. This prevents small problems from growing into bigger ones.

• • Example: If there is confusion about roles in a team, an open discussion can help to clearly define responsibilities and avoid confusion in the future.

Building trust

When teams tend to discuss openly, cooperation improves and relationships are strengthened. According to Gallup's international research, teams with high levels of trust and openness are more productive. When everyone can voice their thoughts and concerns, team spirit is strengthened and innovation increases.

• • Honesty and empathy: Be honest and open in discussions and show empathy by actively listening to the other party. This builds trust within the team and improves the workplace atmosphere.

• • Example: When a team member is open about the challenges he or she faces and receives support from others, it builds shared trust and improves team spirit.

Improving cooperation

trust is the basis for all cooperation. When you raise issues boldly, it shows a commitment to honest and open communication. Trust Edge research shows that employees stay longer and are more productive in an environment of trust.

• • An atmosphere of trust fosters cooperation and helps teams to work more effectively. Employees who can trust that their views will be taken into account are more willing to share ideas and solve problems together.

• • Example: a team that regularly reviews feedback and suggestions for improvement together typically develops new, more effective ways of working.

Improving well-being at work

Talking about difficult issues promotes well-being at work. When everyone can express their feelings and needs, the workplace becomes a safe and supportive environment. Brené Brown's research shows that showing vulnerability and acceptance are keys to meaningful relationships and an effective workplace.

• • A feeling of security: In a workplace where employees feel safe to express their feelings and concerns, there is less stress and anxiety. This contributes to overall well-being at work and reduces problems and costs associated with ill health.

• • Example: If an employee feels able to openly express concerns about workload, the supervisor can make the necessary adjustments before the situation leads to burnout.

 

2. Be prepared: assess the situation and identify needs

Before you take on a difficult issue, it's a good idea to pause for a moment to prepare. This will help you to stay calm during the discussion and to structure your own thoughts. Being prepared increases the likelihood of success.

Compile the facts on the topic

When you compile information and issues, you usually get a more neutral and holistic view of the subject. Documenting the information helps to keep the discussion on the issue. It is important to separate facts from one's own interpretations: for example, a fact may be that a person repeatedly arrived late to meetings and an interpretation that he or she does not appreciate the content of the meeting or other people.

• • What to do: Write down concrete examples and events. Stay objective and focus on facts, not opinions.

• • Why it matters: Presenting facts helps keep the discussion relevant and reduces blame. People are less likely to react defensively when the discussion is based on clear facts rather than personal criticism.

Recognise your own feelings and needs

It is important to identify your own feelings and needs before having a discussion. Think about the feelings you have and the needs behind them. These might include the need to be heard or appreciated, the need to do a good job, or the need for support on a project.

• • What to do: Think in advance about what you feel and why. Write down these feelings and needs so that you can clarify your thoughts and prepare to express them in a coherent way.

• • Why it matters: Identifying feelings and needs helps to communicate clearly without blame. Clearly expressing your feelings and needs promotes constructive dialogue and helps avoid conflict. This topic and its applications can be explored, for example, in the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

Be prepared for different reactions

Be prepared for the possibility that the person you are talking to may react unexpectedly. Difficult conversations can evoke strong emotions, and it is important to be prepared to deal with different reactions.

• • What to do: Think in advance about possible reactions and how you might respond to them. Be prepared to show empathy and listen to the other person's feelings and concerns, even if the conversation gets emotional. Just because you accept someone's feelings and thoughts does not mean you agree with them.

• • Why it matters: By being prepared for different reactions, you can maintain a calm and constructive atmosphere. Empathy and active listening are key to dealing with challenging emotions, helping to prevent situations from escalating.

When you stop before an encounter and think it through, you can increase the likelihood of a successful conversation. But don't stay too long in preparation, it's best to raise things early and you can never be fully prepared.

More on this topic

In this chapter, the Non-Violent Communication tool developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg has been used as a background. If you want to learn more about it, his books The Art of Conciliation and Constructive and Compassionate Interaction are excellent guides on the subject, as is Liv Larsson's book The Art of Mediation.

 

3. Postponing the speech is usually the worst option

Speaking up early helps prevent problems from escalating. But it is not easy.

It's easy to put things off

I remember situations where I have thought that something at work is not quite right. At the same time, it has felt difficult to bring it up. It's easy to decide that I'll leave it alone today, but I'll take it up the next day, for example. There is always a reason for postponing it: other things on the desk, a third colleague arrives at a quiet moment and we go to lunch with a larger group.

Postponement poses a number of problems:

1. The issue has already been put on the back burner and there are new, more topical issues - it's as if it's getting old. Friction has already come between you and it is difficult to repair it afterwards.
2. The other party will easily - and truthfully - think, "Did you bury this issue for so long, do you have a lot more waiting to be said?".
3. You can't know what it meant to the other person. If it was small, the other party may have almost forgotten about it. If it was significant, he has already built up his own explanations and interpretations. In both cases, the postponement made the proceedings more difficult.
4. It's on your mind and interferes with your ability to concentrate on other things.

 

There will never be a perfect moment, but there will always be moments that are perfect enough

It is almost always better to deal with a difficult issue in a slightly weak way now than in a perfect way a long time later. Therefore, it is usually best to raise the issue, even in a slightly crude or weak way, and trust that a solution can be found together.

Decide to say something and say it

The opening can be something like "listen, I was wondering about something at last week's meeting, could we have a word about it" or "do you have a minute" or go straight to the point, examples of which are given in the next section. If it's a bigger issue, you can suggest a discussion over lunch or even a walk - a walk meeting often keeps the atmosphere naturally more relaxed. Often it's best to talk in informal terms, for example, "could we exchange a few ideas", rather than "I'd like to deal with one crisis".

 

4. Open the discussion constructively

When you raise a difficult issue, it is important to start the conversation constructively. A good start can help keep the conversation positive and avoid blame. The aim is to create an atmosphere where both parties can talk openly and honestly.

Start with a concrete observation

A good way to start a discussion is to tell a neutral person about a concrete observation and then ask an open question. This approach helps keep the discussion objective and focused on the facts.

• • What to do: Start the conversation by telling them what you have noticed, without criticising or blaming. For example, "I have noticed that you have not been attending team meetings in the last few weeks." Then ask an open question, such as: "How do you see it?"

• • Why it matters: By starting this way, you give the other party space to express their views without having to bring up your own views yet. Chances are that the other person's point of view is very different from your own, this way you can understand them. In contrast, if you present your own point of view first, the other person will easily become defensive and you will not have a constructive discussion.

Use I-messages

I-messages are a good way to communicate your own feelings and needs without blaming the other person. This helps to avoid getting defensive and promotes an open discussion.

• • What to do: Tell us how you feel and why, using I-messages. For example, "I feel insecure when I don't get feedback on how to improve in my job." This will help the other person understand your experience without feeling blamed.

• • Why it matters: I-messages help both parties to stay open and listen to each other. I-messages reduce the escalation of conflict and increase positive interaction by focusing on one's own experience rather than the other's behaviour.

Be clear and concrete

Focus on clarity and concreteness; vague words are easily misunderstood.

• • What to do: Be specific about what you want to talk about and why it is important to you. Use concrete examples to support your message. For example, "I would like to discuss how we can improve communication within our team so that everyone's ideas are heard."

• • Why it matters: Clear and concrete communication reduces misunderstandings and increases understanding. Clarity in communication improves team performance and reduces conflict by helping to ensure that all parties understand the topic of discussion in the same way.

Opening the discussion constructively is the key to creating the right atmosphere. A good opening is half the battle, it allows you to have a constructive and positive discussion.

 

5. Summary: Take the first step

Talking about difficult issues in the workplace is often challenging, but it is necessary to create an open and trusting working atmosphere. Appropriate preparation, courage and clear communication are key when you want to raise a difficult issue.

Start today

Don't wait for the perfect moment - take the first step today. If you have something on your mind, prepare yourself and think about the best way to approach it and when is the right time to talk.

• • What to do: Write down the key points and think about how you can express them in a clear and friendly way. Set aside time for a conversation, or start a conversation when you meet someone else.

Be prepared to listen and adapt

Be open to the other side's views and ready to adapt if the situation requires it. This does not mean that you should give up your own views, but that you are flexible and willing to find common solutions.

• • What to do: Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and show empathy. If the conversation does not go as expected, be prepared to come back later or consider new approaches.

Be clear and direct

Openness and clarity are important when raising a difficult issue. Avoid beating around the bush and focus on the essentials.

• • What to do: Use clear and simple expressions. Start by neutrally explaining your observations, then ask an open question that gives the other person space to express his or her own thoughts.

Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to learn and grow. Be brave and take the first step towards a more open and cooperative working community. Overcoming challenges together builds trust and confidence that difficulties can be overcome. 

Read more in our second article on how to have a difficult conversation after you have spoken up.

 

6. Frequently asked questions

Below are the most common questions and concrete tips.

What to do if the other party reacts negatively?

Negative reactions are natural when dealing with difficult topics. For example, the other party may become angry or withdraw. In such a situation, it is important to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive.

• • What to do: If the other party reacts negatively, maintain a calm and understanding attitude. Try to understand their feelings and ask open questions, such as "Can you tell me what is annoying/irritating you about this?" This shows that you are in controlto listen and take his/her point of view into account.

It seems difficult to start a conversation. Are there some good phrases or examples I could start with?

Here are some examples of how to raise a difficult issue:

Neutral observation and open question:

• • "I noticed that you raised [issue X] three times in the weekly meeting. ?"
  • "I have sensed that there has been some tension in our team. I'd like to hear how you see this."

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My own experience and a request for a debate:

• • "I feel like we've had a bit of a disagreement recently. I'd like to talk about how we can resolve them together."
  • "I've been thinking about this for some time, and I'd like to discuss it with you so we can find a good solution together."

•  

An empathetic approach:

• • "I know this may be a difficult subject, but I would like to talk to you about something that has been weighing on my mind."
  • "I have one more difficult issue in mind, but I think we can find a solution together if we talk about it."

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A clear and straightforward start:

• • "I would like to talk to you about something that has been worrying me. Can we talk about it now?"
  • "We need to talk about topic X to find a solution. Could you tell us how you see the situation regarding issue X?"

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Use of the I-message:

• • "I feel that I have not got enough clarity on this project and I would like to discuss it with you."
  • "I feel a bit uncertain about how we're doing and I thought it would be good to have a discussion about it."

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How to avoid getting personal in a difficult debate?

It's easy to get personal when discussions are about difficult topics. It is important to focus on the issue at hand and not on blame.

What to do:

Avoid "you" statements, which can come across as offensive, and use "I" instead. For example, "I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting enough support on this project," instead of "You'll never help me." In practice, any message can be formulated in the "I" form.

What to do if you are a manager or a person in a higher position?

Talking to someone in a higher position can be challenging. In such situations, it is usually good to be clear and respectful, but also courageous in expressing your own thoughts. Typically, line managers and other senior people appreciate being addressed directly and in a timely manner. 

What to do: Be well prepared and present your case directly and clearly. You can start by saying, for example:

• • "I know you are very experienced and I would like to discuss with you something that has been bothering me."
  • "You know, I have one little thing that's been bothering me. It's quite small, but I was wondering if I could have a word with you."
  • "I think you probably meant something else, but I got a funny impression about one thing. Can we talk about [thing x]?"

 

Choose your wording according to the person - the key is to approach the subject in a relaxed but determined way, and keep the conversation focused on the issue.

 

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